I am such a horrible blogger, Benedict Cumberbatch kinda terrifies me, and other revelations since my last post
OK I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT BLOGGING FOR ALMOST 100 DAYS!!!! But things have been chaotic because….
- MY SHERLOCK HOLMES PAPER GOT ACCEPTED INTO A CONFERENCE!!!!
- Second semester. End of story.
- I may or may not have forgotten my password to this account. Whoops. Not one of my shining moments…
But let’s talk about probably the coolest thing that has happened in my short life: I’m officially presenting at my first academic conference! My paper on Sherlock Holmes fan works (which I have been documenting my progress on since I started classes last semester) was one of the first papers accepted (or at least I think it was since I’m basing everything off of confirmation numbers). I am so pumped for this experience! But, with that being said, my school denied my request for funding and everything for the trip (my flight, hotel, etc.) is coming out of pocket. I’ve started a GoFundMe, so if you could share the link or possibly donate a couple of dollars towards my campaign, that would be lovely. Thank you ❤
So kinda going off of that…
My family came down to visit me at school for the Easter weekend (which was wonderful), and my brother asked me what I would do if Benedict Cumberbatch came to my presentation and wanted to talk to me about it afterwards. I told him that I would be terrified.
“Psh. Yeah right. Terrified of meeting one of your favorite actors who you not only find attractive, but a fascinating person who you would kill for an opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with? I don’t believe it.”
But here’s the thing: I’m not terrified of meeting him.
I’m terrified of letting him down. Or anyone, for that matter.
I have put so much work into this paper so far (and after the semester is over, I’m going to be putting a lot more in as well), that I have a lot of people rooting for me. I’m fortunate for this support, but I don’t want to let them down. Failure has always been one of my biggest fears, and I don’t want it to let it get the best of me. Out of anyone I could be presenting this to, Benedict (as well as anyone involved with the show, for that matter) knows the source material as well as I do. For me, that’s intimidating because he knows a lot of what I’m basing my argument off of. I don’t want this to fall short of expectations.
I shouldn’t really be fretting about this, but I’ve tried to get other cast/production crew members to retweet my GoFundMe link so I can hopefully raise the money to go on the trip. If they’ve seen the link, they know when and where the presentation is and what I’m arguing. Which means that there is that slim chance that they’ll be there.
But that’s not going to happen, right?
So this is another one of my “I’m going to rant about my insecurities and lack of guts” posts. So feel free to keep scrolling past. I won’t be offended.
This Saturday, we’re having a Gatsby-themed dance on campus. Guess who has two thumbs and doesn’t have a date? THIS GIRL! *points at self* That puts the total at 5 dances that I haven’t had a date to, plus countless other events I haven’t gone with a guy to.
It’s not like I don’t TRY to get to know the guys I find myself falling for. Like the song says, “Breaking my back just to know your name.” I attempt to start conversations with them, whether it be in person (when I actually see them) or on Facebook (when you can’t talk to them in person, like what happened with me this summer. I’ll vent about this story then). But, just my luck, I never see the guy(s) I like (so I can’t talk face to face) and, if I try to talk to them over the internet, they rarely respond! It’s aggravating!
Want proof of my luck? Take the guy I fell for at orientation: I met him at the first event. He was literally the first guy I met (I had already met a couple of girls). We were in the same small group, and, just because I knew nobody, I sat down next to him. We chatted about the stereotypical small-talk topics, and, when the actual thing started, they had us stand up. First words out of my mouth: “HOLY CRAP YOU’RE TALL!” He was over 6′ tall, and I was just there, me and all of my 5′ 5″ shortness. So, we got to know each other over the next 3 days, and I found out that we liked a lot of the same things (he was into musicals and a lot of the same bands as me, even some of the ones nobody at home had ever heard of). When we left for the summer, we friended each other on Facebook and I started talking to him the one night online (since we weren’t going to be seeing each other again until move-in at the end of August). We had a really good conversation, and I thought “Hey, I might be able to keep chatting and hang out with him once we’re both in school.” Well, that idea kinda died after that conversation. I messaged him a couple days later when it appeared he was on, and no response. Tried again a couple weeks later: nothing. Tried once again closer to move-in: A response filled with a whole lot of NOTHING. Then, we moved in, and I figured “Hey. We’re in the same dorm building, I’ll be bound to see him and chat with him!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Between the end of August and about mid-October, I could have probably counted the days I had seen him on one hand. And it gets better! One time, I was getting over a stomach bug, so I looked like death walking. A couple of the times, I just looked unattractive from coming straight home from my self-defense class. I just have not been able to talk to him in a normal context since orientation.
This is how I feel like it’s been for EVERY guy I have ever liked. Meet them. Fall for them. Get to know them. Try to talk to them. Never hear from them. Feel alone.
Sigh. Sorry for unloading this all on y’all. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep going through the same hoops, and I never get anywhere. I’m also starting to kinda fall for another guy, and I really don’t want to keep this trend up. If anyone out there has any advice, I would love to hear it!
Remember how I talked about those surveys I was sending out for my Sherlock Holmes project? Well, they’re in the mail now. I know I really shouldn’t be, but I’m nervous about them. I love how they turned out, and I’m proud to say that I did this, but that doesn’t help. I think it’s the fact that I can’t personally go and hand everyone a copy and say “hi I’m a student working on this project, and I would love it if you could fill this out for me” and then see if they’re interested.
Well, I could do that, but I’d go broke from the plane tickets, hotels, bail payments for alleged stalking, etc.
I think the part that bothers me the most is that everything’s out of my control.
I’m not a control freak or anything, but I like to know what’s going on.
I can’t even guarantee that over half of the people I sent surveys to will be able to send back the surveys, since apparently Americans can’t pre-pay for postage for something to be sent back from London (I included self-addressed envelopes with everything and, at least for the USA-bound ones, I pre-paid for return postage)! Gotta love living in America, where we currently have no government! But, that’s a rant for another day and another blog post…
So. Now the waiting game begins. Fingers crossed that I hear something and add that little bit of special-ness (is that a word?) to my paper.
I’ve always been a fan of stuff. Elementary school saw me with my first celebrity crush (Zac Efron), while middle school was filled with everything Jonas Brothers (who were my first and so far only concert (don’t judge)). High school began with a very short love of Twilight (the books were kinda good, but the movies? not so much), and then, in my senior year, I found Doctor Who, Sherlock, and The Avengers.
However, in all of my love of things fan-ish, I haven’t had much experience with one thing:
Up until now, I have sent 1 piece of fan mail in my life. I was 13, and it was to the Jonas Brothers. I heard nothing back (no shocker there). Now, even though I’m older and (supposedly) more mature, I’m getting ready to send out a very large amount of fan mail.
Well, it’s not really fan mail. It’s actually for a project I have in my writing class. My class centers around media fandoms, and, by the end of the semester, I have to write a 15+ page paper on some form of fandom. I thought it would be fun to look at the history of the Sherlock Holmes fandom, starting with the original books and short stories and ending with the modern movies and TV shows. One day, I thought, “You know what would be cool? If I could get an interesting quote by Benedict Cumberbatch (who plays Holmes on the BBC show) about his experiences with the fandom! Wait-why stop with Ben? I wonder what the other people involved with the show think about the fans!” One thing led to another, and now I’m writing and mailing out a bunch of surveys for people involved with not only the BBC show, but the CBS show Elementary and the Sherlock Holmes movies with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law.
The phrase “I hope I hear back from them” is an understatement of what I’m feeling right now, and I haven’t even printed out the letters and surveys yet! I really, really, REALLY want this to work. And it’s not even because I’m one of those obsessed fans who wants to parade around the world screaming “I JUST GOT A SIGNATURE FROM A FAMOUS PERSON LOOK AT ME I’M AMAZEBALLS!!!” before fainting. I honestly think the people I’m contacting could provide some fascinating insight into the modern fandom. Plus, how many people can say, “Benedict Cumberbatch and/or Martin Freeman helped me with a project while I was a freshman in college”? Not many, I can tell you that much.
Fingers, toes, arms, and, well, anything that is crossable is crossed right now that this works and I get at least one survey back.