So this is another one of my “I’m going to rant about my insecurities and lack of guts” posts. So feel free to keep scrolling past. I won’t be offended.
This Saturday, we’re having a Gatsby-themed dance on campus. Guess who has two thumbs and doesn’t have a date? THIS GIRL! *points at self* That puts the total at 5 dances that I haven’t had a date to, plus countless other events I haven’t gone with a guy to.
It’s not like I don’t TRY to get to know the guys I find myself falling for. Like the song says, “Breaking my back just to know your name.” I attempt to start conversations with them, whether it be in person (when I actually see them) or on Facebook (when you can’t talk to them in person, like what happened with me this summer. I’ll vent about this story then). But, just my luck, I never see the guy(s) I like (so I can’t talk face to face) and, if I try to talk to them over the internet, they rarely respond! It’s aggravating!
Want proof of my luck? Take the guy I fell for at orientation: I met him at the first event. He was literally the first guy I met (I had already met a couple of girls). We were in the same small group, and, just because I knew nobody, I sat down next to him. We chatted about the stereotypical small-talk topics, and, when the actual thing started, they had us stand up. First words out of my mouth: “HOLY CRAP YOU’RE TALL!” He was over 6′ tall, and I was just there, me and all of my 5′ 5″ shortness. So, we got to know each other over the next 3 days, and I found out that we liked a lot of the same things (he was into musicals and a lot of the same bands as me, even some of the ones nobody at home had ever heard of). When we left for the summer, we friended each other on Facebook and I started talking to him the one night online (since we weren’t going to be seeing each other again until move-in at the end of August). We had a really good conversation, and I thought “Hey, I might be able to keep chatting and hang out with him once we’re both in school.” Well, that idea kinda died after that conversation. I messaged him a couple days later when it appeared he was on, and no response. Tried again a couple weeks later: nothing. Tried once again closer to move-in: A response filled with a whole lot of NOTHING. Then, we moved in, and I figured “Hey. We’re in the same dorm building, I’ll be bound to see him and chat with him!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Between the end of August and about mid-October, I could have probably counted the days I had seen him on one hand. And it gets better! One time, I was getting over a stomach bug, so I looked like death walking. A couple of the times, I just looked unattractive from coming straight home from my self-defense class. I just have not been able to talk to him in a normal context since orientation.
This is how I feel like it’s been for EVERY guy I have ever liked. Meet them. Fall for them. Get to know them. Try to talk to them. Never hear from them. Feel alone.
Sigh. Sorry for unloading this all on y’all. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I keep going through the same hoops, and I never get anywhere. I’m also starting to kinda fall for another guy, and I really don’t want to keep this trend up. If anyone out there has any advice, I would love to hear it!